Undermined Devotion

Story Time!

I was informed tonight that in October of 2010 the freshman class of that year (guess they’d be juniors now? wow.) thought (still thinks?) I hooked up with a friend of mine.

Basically, some ish went down. Me and my boyfriend broke up one day, he slept with another girl the next, I found out a few weeks later, ran my mouth to my friends, and one of those friends took it upon himself to punch said boyfriend…ex boyfriend. 

So anyway, my guy friend (who is friends with my ex at this point) is mildly peeved and kind of just jokingly but not punched my ex. Said ex blows up and puts my friend in a headlock or something? I don’t know, I missed the whole scene by like two seconds.

The point of this post? There was a rumor going around among the freshman class that year that the reasoon they fought was because I hooked up with my friend and obviously my ex was upset about that.

What. Even.

This guy and I weren’t even super close friends then! We only hung out in groups of other people! He had a girlfriend! 

Sometimes high school amazes me.

Kind of glad it’s over, even if it’s bittersweet.

No wonder people think I’m a slut…

If you ever decide to go to the beach with 8 of your friends to celebrate your senior summer, don’t be surprised if shit hits the fan or arguments are had three weeks before you even leave.

Today has been a roller coaster.

I can’t even handle it all at once.

Graduations. 

Friends. 

Thanking God an accident wasn’t worse than it was. 

Weird conversations.

Sad music. 

Being worried about family. 

The future. 

I don’t do change. And that’s all this summer is. That’s all the future is. 

Help. 

LOL Bluebook says my car is worth $1500 in “fair” condition.

I might believe that if I fixed the speedometer. 

Basically, I’m going to sell it right before I go to school because I could use the money (it would be a nice jumpstart and make sure I have savings, etc.) and it probably won’t last not being used the months and months I will be away. 

Me and my mom don’t think it’s even worth $1000. Or even $800. 

It’s got well over 200,000 miles. I entered in that it doesn’t have air conditioning and has about 260,000 miles on bluebook and it still came back with that price. What. Even. Are Hondas really worth that much? We’ve replaced the distributor in mine a few times and the motor in the driver side window might be going out, and that isn’t something you can enter into bluebook. So me and mom are probably right anyway.  

I really hope my stepdad is okay with selling it. 

I’m not sure what I’ll do next summer when I’m back home, but I’ll figure something out. Having a car at Chapel Hill is kind of pointless with the bus and friends who have cars anyway. 

Gots a step-father daughter date tonight!

Which means no seeing Gossip Girl on time. Which means all of the reblogging when I do get home and finally watch. Prepare to blacklist me tonight, folks. 

I’m pretty sure The Avengers will be worth it though. 

Considering that my mom and Tony are getting married at the end of June and have been together for as long as I remember, it’s probably time I hung out with him anyway. 

I graduate a week from today and I am terrified. I am terrified and emotional and excited. 

I just…I don’t know how to deal with these feelings. 

This past semester has been the greatest of my entire school career, and I’m going to have to say goodbye to it sooner than I’m ready. I’m going to have to say goodbye to my home and my friends and I’m going to have to accept change, which I’ve never been very good at. I know college will be great. I know I will have fun. I know that my future is so incredibly bright if I’m willing to work for it. I’m just so scared. 

“Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday. We graduated high shool, saying goodbye. That feeling that you get at seventeen or eighteen that nobody in the history of the world has ever been this close, has ever loved as fiercely or laughed as hard or cared as much. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday and sometimes it feels like someone else’s memory.”

This is going to be my truth. Part of it already is. And I’m just trying to convince myself that I’ll be okay. 

Because as much as I hate high school, I hate the thought of growing up more.

Two of my Gossip Girl liveblog posts from tonight have over 100 notes. 

What is this? 

What Tumblr famous person reblogged me and can you do it all the time?　

Stuff you don’t wanna know about.

Asdfghjkl I went to sleep last night at around 3 am and even though I woke up several times during sleep, I didn’t actually wake up and get out of bed until 4. PM. I don’t even know how that happened, but basically I’m just like FML because I have a lot of shit to do today.

Coming up: TMI. Look away.

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UNC is paradise on a hilltop.

Tonight was the admitted student reception at Chapel Hill, and I fell even more in love. Seriously, all of the people I’ve met are so kind and welcoming and eager to help incoming students. I’ve never been quite so excited to leave home. That isn’t to say I’m not terrified still, but I think I’m going to be okay. I think I will find my way there.

On another note, because of the reception I missed Gossip Girl and will be avoiding Tmblr until I find it online in the morning. I would watch tonight, but I’ve had a fifteen hour day on less than three hours of sleep and it isn’t boding well for me.

Goodnight, lovelies. I hope that if you’re in my stage of life, you find the place for you. If you haven’t gotten there yet, I wish you all the luck in finding the place you truly belong.

I don’t want to finish this PopCo project.

Asdfghjkl. I have to make this a twenty minute presentation? That’s so lame. 

Maybe she will accept ten-ish. Because I swear she said five per person. 

And then wrote me down for twenty. 

Oh well. At least I get to leave after it’s done. 

Whoo orthodontist. 

I have the overwhelming urge to cry.

Not because anything is wrong, but because nothing is wrong if that makes any sense.

I’m just looking at all of the forms I need to turn in before college, making a list of what to do first and when to do them and I’m just overwhelmed. This is happening. I am going to college entirely free as long as my family’s financial situation stays the same, and I’m sure it will. I get the opportunity to really do something with my life and it astounds me. 

By May 15th I have to have my health forms, housing info, and orientation sign up dates in.

On May 1st Carolina Kickoff goes live and I have the opportunity to move in a few days early and start my year off with an amazing camp in August. 

In four months I won’t be home anymore…

And as much as I say I can’t stand now. As much as I don’t like being seventeen and wish things in my life were maybe a little different sometimes, I’m so reluctant to leave this all behind. My friends legitimately annoyed the crap out of me at various intervals today but I don’t want to leave any of them behind.

Have you ever felt wistful, because you know that if one person in your life could have just a little more motivation, a little more ambition, things might have just fallen into place? I’ve been getting that feeling a lot lately, and it kind of hurts my heart. I feel like I’m in love with someone who doesn’t exist, but could have. And the saddest part might be that I’ll never know what could come of any of it.

My timing is awful, and always has been. I was late to my own birth, after all. But just once in my life I really wish that everything could just fall into place. These school things, my roommate situation, my inability to let go of the past…

I just really want to be free. 

Can I please be free?

I like it when I forget about money stuffed in my bra. It turns changing clothes into a special occasion.

This is going to turn out one of two ways.

I will either get what I want, or I won’t.

I’m betting that I won’t because that’s how shit tends to work out with these things, but oh well. I’ve been trying for a fucking week at least so if it doesn’t happen I can’t say I didn’t try. It won’t be on me. 

Sometimes I don’t know what keeps me going.

Especially since growing up is something I’m not interested in.