This weekend I went to Boone to stay with my friend Emily at Appalachian State. My ex boyfriend, who is also one of my best friends, also goes there. As does another of my close friends, though she wasn’t there this weekend. So I spent a lot of time with Emily and James and their various friends and I had such a great time. The mountains are killer, both to walk up and to look at. The air is clean and cool. The people are so chill it’s almost unnatural.

When I was applying for colleges I shut App out completely. Mostly because it was in the mountains and cold and I thought I needed to get away from people I knew in high school. I’m really regretting that now. I underestimated how helpful even one friendly face and companion would be. Now I’m torn. Because Boone is the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen, and I am angry at myself for shutting it out just because of superficial things and my dad pushing it. That being said, Chapel Hill is one of the best colleges in the state; one of the best public universities in the country. And I also have a free ride.

I was talking about it with one of Emily’s friends Hunter, and we came to the conclusion that I’m having a mid mid life crisis. Because I don’t know what to do with my life. I wish I could take a year off, reevaluate everything. Just work for a year and then maybe see where I am. What I’ve decided. I graduated from high school with an associates degree and was thrust into college and had to decide my major immediately. Most people my age go through two or three major changes. I just…I’m not happy. And to pretend to be happy is irresponsible because I’m never going to be happy if I just go through the motions. If I quit school now though I would be a disappointment. Even if I did plan to go back, I would feel like the ultimate failure. More so than I already do. I think I try so hard to do what makes other people happy that I don’t know what makes me happy anymore.

What I do know is that I shouldn’t cry every time I have to go back to school. Or every time I even think about it.

I don’t know what to do.